Approximately
3 weeks ago, my 17 year old son ended his 1 year relationship with his
girlfriend. The news of the break up
caught me by surprise, as just 2 weeks before “Diji” had been eagerly
anticipating celebrating their 1 year anniversary. This was his first long term relationship,
and he was so proud that they had made it this long. He had been planning the celebration for at
least 2 months, and had a carefully scripted plan of how the day was going to
go. He really liked this girl and so did
everyone in the family. She’s very
intelligent, has a great head on her shoulders, gets good grades, she’s
respectful, and has a lot of self respect.
I don’t know how she did it, but she always brought out the best in my
son.
The week
after the break up, my son sank into a downward spiral as he tried to fill his
time with as much activity as he could.
He suddenly wanted to be out with his friends all day every day and he
started talking about hanging out with girl’s we had never heard of. I quickly pulled the reigns in and took
control of the situation setting limits on how long he could be out, and who he
could go with. One day I walked into the
room and overheard my son’s friend telling him that he was “better off without the
ball and chain”. He proceeded to tell
him that all his girlfriend ever did was “hold him back”, and “keep him from
having any fun”. He then went on to say
that “ever since he started dating her, he had become a sissy, that he was
whipped, and that he was a punk for always listening and doing what she said”. According to his friend, my son needed to “MAN
UP”! The more I listened, the bigger the pit that formed in my gut.
I looked
at both my boys as they sat there, bobbing their heads up and down, listening
to the garbage coming out of this other boys mouth. Suddenly it hit me, could my son’s break up
have something to do with peer pressure?
Was my son being made to feel that because he had respect for the girl
that he was dating, it meant that somehow he was less of a man? Could it be that the pressure from society and his peers were making him feel as though his good choices, were putting his masculinity at risk or into question? My son was always
very attentive to his girlfriend’s wishes.
He was sensitive to her feelings and was always very responsible not to
do anything that could potentially harm their relationship. She in turn, reciprocated and treated him the
same way. I often complemented both of
them for the mutual respect they showed one another, which made their
relationship a strong and healthy one.
However, I remember many instances where his friends would make comments
telling him he was “whipped”. They would
tease him, and even go as far as to tell him “you better go ask your wife” whenever
he expressed that he wanted to hang out with them. The more I thought back, the more I realized
that not just his friends, but society criticizes young boys and young men for
doing the right things.
For
reasons that I cannot explain, a boy who gets good grades, is kind to others,
shows respect to his peers and adults around him, is thought to not be “manly
enough”. Having 2 teenage boys I can
tell you that there is nothing more important to a teenage boy, then how their
peers perceive them, especially their male friends. Being “manly” is something that is built into
a boys make up. From the time that they
are small, little boys look to their fathers and imitate those traits which
they believe make them “a man”. Society,
as well as parents, reinforce to young boys that they need to be tough, that
boys aren’t supposed to cry. As they get
older society teaches boys that they need to be strong, both emotionally &
physically. Movies and TV shows often
depict young men as reckless and violent, often showing them drinking, doing
drugs, mistreating women, committing violent acts and taking unnecessary risks. Hollywood and the music industry are riddled
with young men making terrible decisions.
These young celebrities then move on with their lives, showing little to
no remorse and a blatant disregard for how their decisions affect their lives
and their fans.
I am a
mother raising 3 boys, and although I am not a single mother, the male role
model in our home is not their father.
My children’s biological father is in their lives, however, he too has
fallen victim to “street culture” and society, and is not the kind of man I
want my children to become. As a mom,
this has me extremely concerned.
Although I try to teach my boys good values, they take their que on what
it is to be a man from their friends, their TV/Music idols, and their own
father. In this society where a great number of boys are being raised by single
mom’s, where there are so many absentee fathers, so many terrible
depictions of what it means to be a man,
how do we help our boys to become the men that society needs them to be? How can we as mothers help them to change
their views on what they think are acceptable behaviors?
How do
we lead our boys to the realization that being a man has little to do with what
they see in the media, and everything to do with the values by which a man
should live by? Values which include
putting your family first. Being a
provider for your family, whether that means going out to work every day to put
food on the table, or being a stay at home dad if that is the decision you and
your spouse come to. Being a good role
model to your family and children by teaching them respect, responsibility,
honesty, and the importance of having good character. Protecting your loved ones should the need
arise, but also being there and supporting them through emotional
situations. A good man does cry when he
needs to, and should teach his kids and especially his boys that feelings and
emotions are real and allowed. Crying
doesn’t make you less of a man, it only makes you more human. Being a man means
that you are strong for your family, but
at the same time sensitive to their needs.
Most of all a man should be proud to be who he is. He should be proud of his values and beliefs,
regardless of what the outside world thinks, or says.
The
challenge for us mothers is how do we teach our boys to go against what they
see, what they hear from their friends, and what they have been taught by
society. After much thought, I’ve come
to the realization that my boys will make their own decisions and
interpretations on what being a man is about.
However, I will do everything I can to guide them and let them know that
it is okay to not always feel so strong.
During moments when they are sad, I will let them know that it is okay
for them to be sad. During times that I
see that they are speaking about young ladies in a way that is inappropriate, I
will remind them of their sisters, and ask them to consider how they would want
a man to treat them. I will do
everything that I can to be a constant supporter of my boys when society tells them they are not
being “manly enough”, but will be quick to bring it to their attention when
they are behaving in a way that is not acceptable per our values. I will do all of this while showing them
unconditional love & respect. In the
absence of a positive male role model, it is my responsibility as their mother,
to guide my boys towards becoming good
men. I know that this task is far easier
said than done. As I give thought to this next year with my 17 year old son, I
hope that in the end he will learn to be confident with regard to who he is. I pray that he will choose to live by the
values that I taught him and in the end live the life of a good man.
This is an unbelievable post - what incredible insight. I don't have boys but when my girls are old enough, I can only hope they find men like the ones you are raising.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your kind words. : )
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